Awesomeness and Dil-se-ness ..

AWESOMENESS

Some stories, some instances, some moments, some conversations in life happen, not to culminate into something or not to dishelve something, but, only to tell you what you TRULY want/like/desire/appreciate..

This is by far one of my best observations.. Yeah.. I know I've made even intelligent-er one's before, but this one I love. It's positive yet realistic..It doesn't let anyone brood over what they don't have..

DIL SE-NESS

Aise hi. I wanted to write a few things I observed about myself. Things I was unaware of.

> There is something I like about slaps. Sounds gross I know.. But I like to slap. Yeah, I know my husband/room-mate will have a tough time.

> I'll never take Hard core marketing as a career. Marketing, even if for a small part, does involve sales, and I am too conscious about my hair, skin, clothes, hygiene.. So not the 'go within the people to know what they want' people.

> Don't give me TIPS on style.. Shit.. I'll kill you.I really will.

> I like to talk inconsequential stuff. And that is what I do. Infact, this is my 'thing'. I talk about types of sharpened pencils, hair clips, phone keys, song names, font colors, moon shapes, Gmail smileys.. et al and I love this. This is A FACT. No, I don't have to TRY to do this, it comes naturally. And you got to take me with this.And barring 2 people I know, everyone loves me for this. Ofcourse, I can talk sense, or so I think, but by and large 'welli' baatein describe me.

> I don't like newspapers and news.. bade boring hote hai yar.

> I love thinking of the word 'buffering'.. It makes me feel very computer science engg type :)(I don't use it coz I am not sure of the exact meaning )

> I am one of the few people in this world who don't get tensed about exams, career, preparation.. All these things come under my "Ye to karna hi hai na" category. Always, means ALWAYS, the only thing bothering me is if I am emotionally stable or not. Yeah, I know it sounds Unlike me, but Only me being emotionally disturbed is a cause of concern , EVER. Rest everything can be laughed off..

> I can't even describe the high I get when people ask me how will they react to certain sitautions coz they know I know them better than they know themselves.

> I love to laugh. I love anyone who can make me laugh. I hardly ever get emotionally attached, so for me, laughter comes before anything in this world. Even before chicken roll.

> You'll never hear me say, "I have/had a crush on him". God knows what have I been doing all my life. I know it's strange, but ye badi ajeeb baat hai in me. I'll only say,'I love him', but never that, ' At one point of time I used to like him.. aise hi door se'. I don't know how this happens.

> I've seen what I think is the best and the worst and I think of both ateast 5 times a day.

> I got bored at point 3 but I had to continue.. Time pass karna tha yar..getting bored.

PS: I hate mosquitoes.. Bure log hote hain :(

Oh yes..another thing.. I love to stand in the balcony at 3 in the morning. Actually 3.15 a.m. And I love to talk on the phone that time. I've been a call at almost all possible times of the day, but seldom at 3.15 :( There is something ultimately sweet and nice and romantic and laugh-able about this time :)

Equal/opposite/similar-the reaction's important..

This is contextually related to my last post..

I've always felt, that people, by and large, have this urge to share their happiness with others. These are people who may not be very expressive when it comes to sharing their concernsor anything otherwise. It's natural I think. Comes to everyone.
Anyway, the point here is, who do we choose to share the moment with? Now, it may be about something very inconsequential, something which people may find absolutely bizarre,something noone else may be able to relate to, but if it's giving you happiness, then it ends there.. No matter how trivial it is, the bottomline is, that it's a moment you are happy in and you feel the need to share it with someone.
This someone may ,again, be least important to you.. How many times do we actually think how 'important' the other person is in our life when we want to share a moment??(ofcourse, I am not talking of stuff which has a history/background to it that only your close ones know about)

Somehow, I lay lot of importance on the 'reaction' the listener gives. I usually read between statements and ESPECIALLY when it is about things that people usually ignore(it makes me feel observant and intelligent :P), and so obviously the 'reaction' I get is of utmost importance to me.
This is what I expect and this is what I give.

Few days back, I discovered, that when we're using Gmail for chatting and we insert a couple of smileys like - :) :) :) :)then, these smileys first dance a little, bat there eyelids twice and then freeze to one final pose(yeah.. try it.. it's one of the cutest things I've seen and also among my latest obsessions, but try it in Gmail, not Gtalk :)). Now now now, when I observe something as AWESOME as this, then, for me, it becomes a moral obligation to discuss it with atleast a trillion people. It's almost like my agenda for the week.. So obviously, I went on to tell any and everyone I know, about this "Better/important than gravity" discovery. I remember the raction given by each and every person I told this too. It's clearly in my mind. And obviously, when the reaction's been fabulous, you sub-consciously tend to place a high degree of importance to the other person(subsequently/eventually). Yes, there were some(read two) people who didn't give the reaction I wanted, but that's kinda understandable coz I realize that for something as stupid as this, people tend to give priority to whatever else they're doing at that particular moment. I am also not ruling out the possibility of someone being hard pressd for time and then not giving the 'appropriate reaction'. Here, the appropriate reaction is not that you yourself start jumping in joy or say, "AWESOME/COOL/GREAT" blah blah.. It's just a comfort you give the provide the other person with. Haan, the fact that I am NEVER sharing anything even of high consequence to me(even life and dath) with those people is just another story.

Now, just to clarify, I know this is immature and childish or whatever.. But it's not! I am not saying that the kind of reaction you give is directly proportational to the amout of importance you attach with the other person. Neither am I saying, that those people are not 'capable' of being good listeners, or an enthusiastic audience or even a dormant audience.. No.. The only thing is, that at that particular moment, if I've chosen you, even sub-consciously, then either I already have that comfort with you, or I am more than certain of your reaction(which may/ may not matter depending on the level of certainity) or I WANT to be comfortable with you, even with irrelevant stuff. I am not even blaming those people. I mean, come on, one might be busy with somthing extremely important or even if not, then at that time, somhthing else was important and I am TOTALLY cool with this. But then, the fact that I have taken my decision doesn't change, right? And if it does, say, then I am more than certain that I shall be indifferent.

This is what I give. Today, a friend of mine called me to tell me something even stupid-er than my Gtalk smiley thing(yeah.. We tend to lay lot of importance on anything which is irrelevant). I was in the middle of something extremely important and knew that taking her call would mean another 1 hour gone. So, I decided to take her call and tell her that I'll call back if it's not something very urgent. Somehow, when I heard her voice, and the excitement in it, I just couldn't ask her to hang up.I know I could have, even that I should have, considering that it DID take me anothr 15 minutes to get in form after we hung up. But I didn't. I just couldn't. She infact, knew I was busy, so she just told me her bit and wrapped up in 2 minutes saying that I should continue doing what I was. But that was the 'moment of the day' for me. It felt awesome to reciprocate. It felt great that I was a part of the moment she treasured (only a minute, BTW). I am still smiling while writin this :)

So, the point of this hugggee post is, that it's important to be mindful of your behaviour, atleast when someone's sharing a happy moment :)

PS: @People who know me,
This post is not supposed to be taken as a personal attack. It's just something I did/expected even prior to these two incidents so it's not that great a deal.

Never there for you ..

Someone who cannot be happy WITH you, can never be happy FOR you, and someone who cannot be happy FOR you, will never be unhappy FOR you either.Which, by the way means, that the someone is NEVER THERE FOR YOU. Sadly.

Reality beckons or dawns or reinstates( Cont...)

...and I love to know what works with me.. I love to think that tomorrow morning I am getting up not with a, "DEAL WITH IT OR DEAL WITH IT!!" but, with a, "It's okay.. it happens.. I'll make it work and if it still doesn't, I'll do what works best for now I already know what it is ".

Sometimes miracles don't happen. Sometimes, you won't all of a sudden be pushed out of the "it won't work" area. Sometimes, all you need is a refresher just so that you don't write shitty posts. Just so that you smile while writing posts. Just so that you go to sleep- smiling. Just so that you feel "secure". Just so that you think it'll be okay :) :)

Sometimes, you don't need discussions, you just need a conversation. :)
Sometimes, you don't need pertinent/logical convincing, you just need non-sensical/ arbit bullshit.
Sometimes, you can dodge without the discomfort.
Sometimes, if things don't work, they are best left.

Reality beckons or dawns or reinstates..

Somethings just don't change. No matter what you do,no matter what you don't do,
they won't. Some capacities always fall short. Some distinctions are too significant. Some traits, impregnable.

I hate to face reality. I hate to know it is what I don't want it to be. I hate to tone down expectations.I hate to know of things I already know. I hate any such situation which re-iterates what I already want to unlearn I hate to be affected. I hate to know that I am affected. I hate to be indifferent. Or actually, I hate trying to be indifferent. I hate to have answers.Questioning is easy, it's the stage of uncertainity. Dealing with answers is difficult, it's like not having an option anymore. I hate to tell myself,'tomorrow onwards, just be indifferent'.Why should I be? Not that I won't be but somehow dealing with the final thoughts for a night, is what I hate. I hate to think it's okay when it is so not okay. I hate to think of something as 'inconsequential' when it is of consequence-of a lot of consequence. Of all people, I hate to be rude to myself. I hate to refuse myself anything that I think I deserve. I hate oscillating, but more than that, much more than that I hate the first few days of dealing with uncertainity. I hate to write all this trash till the time I get apparently 'okay'. I hate to know that my blog-which I always thought will never talk about my personal life, is becoming a sounding board. I hate to know I'm not wrong. I hate to teach myself.There are times, when I hate to take a stand just coz it's for the better even when I'm hating doing it. And most of all, I hate the fact, that I'll get up tomorrow morning trying to give the benefit of doubt. Try to see the silver lining and then conclude, "that's how it is.. Take it or .. Take it.."

Anyway, I guess that is precisely what we call-THINGS NOT WORKING OUT!!!

Forth and Back..

There is this very strange thing about me..

If I BECOME indifferent/ignorant about/towards something,then, no matter what happens, heavens fall or there's high tide, Punjus stop eating chicken or Madrasis start eating them, India starts growing in 2 digits or China continues to grow at a single digit, MBA grads stop globo-fying or Literature students learn maths ; I can't get sensitive about the same thing, AGAIN. No matter how hard I try, I'll continue doing only that: TRYING. Cause once it comes under my, "Come on..Be practical" category, there's no going back from there..even if it boils down to pain and agony for the subject or discomfort for me.

Shit ya.. I think NOW I finally know why people get the impression that I am , all said and done, Insensitive/Indifferent . And it's not a great feeling.. I don't know..but I think I WANT to be sensitive towards some things, AGAIN, but no matter how hard I try, I can't go back. Then I think it's not in my nature I guess.I just can't be hopelessly emotional and all that jazz. A phase; may be, a pleasant one; may be, emotionally fulfilling; may be;but one small digression and I go back to reality. May be, I am not the bhavnao- main- beh jane-wale types. May be, it takes a lot more than "a lot more" to make me go with the flow. May be, the constant need to sense bullshit and puncture it then and there doesn't let me be "normal"..Too bad.. Or too good. Time shall tell :)

As of now, all I know is that I am most contended this way..Or so I think or so I'd like to think or so i'd like to be.It(the natural state) offers less tension atleast(in the long run, i.e). Till when, again, time shall tell :)

Bekaar Ki Baatein..

It's important that you DO something trustworthy before you expect being trusted. And if you think you have, yet it fails, just assume that your something doesn't qualify as "SOMETHING" coz the bottom line always is how it is PERCEIVED and not what you BELIEF it to be. Hard fact.

Cynicism is easy. Optimism is tough. This is coz cynicism is backed by Logic and Reasoning whereas Optimism is backed by Hope. HOPE, which is nothing but the absence of logic(or a weak base of logic) and the presence of WISHFUL thinking which is precisely what logic can never be. (yeah.. I know I am too good :))

There is no comparison of Pain, no comparison of Problems, no comparison of Love, of experiences, of moments, of LIFE. There's only figurative, quantitative comparison. And none of the aforementioned are measurable. Hence, incomparable.